im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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