I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
