Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
