I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
