i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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