dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
