I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
