Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
