Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
