Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is it penis luge time yet?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
