Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
