cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
