Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
