I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
