Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
