Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You are the jesus of drinking
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
