We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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