Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
