Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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