My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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