Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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