Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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