The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
