you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
