I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
