I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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