Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.