Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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