sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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