an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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