I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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