Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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