she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
