Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
