He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
false alarm. still invincible.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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