Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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