Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
