You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
