Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
