I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
