I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
