I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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