fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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