My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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