I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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