id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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