Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
