i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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