your thong is hanging out like whoa
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
