Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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