Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
