I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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