I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
