I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
