Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
