I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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