if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i permit you to call me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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